Backward Glances
by unorthodoxfalderal
Summary: "I told myself – as I've told myself before – that the body shuts down when the pain gets too bad, that consciousness is temporary, that this will pass. But just like always, I didn't slip away. I was left on the shore with the waves washing over me, unable to drown."
1. Prologue: Promise Made

**Author's note & Disclaimer**

**Hi, so this is my ****_first_**** serious story, and that means that I intend to finish this and update regularly. I don't own the Mortal Instruments. the plot belongs to me. And I've always pictured Clary as a brunette, not a redhead, so I've made a few adjustments to the story(I'll have a few ****_twists _****and ****_turns _****so you won't be confused). I'm new to this site so I have no idea how to work this thing, ha-ha.**

**_Everything Mortal Instruments related belongs to Cassandra Clare. The original content, ideas and intellectual property of this story belongs to the author. No copyright infringement is intended. Also, this story deals with rape, torture and violent scenes that may be triggering for some._**

_**Prologue: Promise Made**_

_"I'm in love with you," he said quietly._

_ "Augustus," I said._

_ "I am," he said. He was staring at me, and I could see the corners of his eyes crinkling. "I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you." _

Clary looked up from her copy of _The Fault in Our Stars_ and met a pair of luminous gold eyes, gleaming with amusement.

"What?" she demanded, folding the corner page of the book in a doggy-ear and then setting it down on the floor.

Jace smirked before proceeding to sit next to her on the carpeted floor of one of the rooms of the Institute, letting his eyes fall to the blue book, adorned with black and white clouds, where the title of the book and the author's name printed on the cover in crayon writing. "What's this?"

Clary tilted her head, studying her boyfriend, big emerald eyes assessing him. _What on Earth was he up to?_

He picked up the book, staring at down as if he was sizing it up. "Why are you reading _this _instead of doing something _productive_... like saving me from Izzy's macaroon massacre, eh?"

Shrugging indignantly, Clary nudged his shoulder softly with her own, letting a playful smile play on her lips. "I don't know, Jace. Izzy's cooking may just kill me and if I die young, at least I'll die smart. And I'd like to spend some time with my one true love, Augustus Waters." She smirked, tipping her head slightly skyward, the vague sunlight from the window filtered through and reflected off the gold flecks in her eyes. "Don't miss me too bad." Her tone was laced with tease and mockery — daring him to produce a sarcastic or a joking snide comeback.

Arching an eyebrow and taking pleasure of watching Clary's eye twitch in envy (she was never able to raise a single eyebrow), Jace flashed his signature crooked grin. "Is that so?" He wrapped his arm around her waist. "You need not worry, for my one true love will forever remain myself."

"Then," she began,"you needn't worry about rejection, Jace Herondale."

He smirked. "I think we've had this conversation before. But I will repeat what I had said before." He cleared his throat dramatically before cocking his head to the side. "I turn myself down occasionally just to keep it interesting." Clary scoffed and as her lips parted and a retort was about to fly out, Jace pressed his index finger on her lips, shushing her.

Jace said,"Before you tell me that I'm too full of myself, I have to remind you: the meek may one day inherit the planet. But for now it belongs to the conceited — like me. And until the conceited bequeath the Earth to the meek and humble, I will always be around, courting three beautiful people — _me_, _myself_, and _I._"

Clary shoved his hand away from her face and shook her head, laughing. "That's a very _inspiring_ speech for all people of different nature — the humble, the conceited, the deceitful and the foolish. But you _can't_ marry yourself. I don't think you can kiss yourself and I honestly believe that no one would want to see you in a white, poofy wedding dress, even the Minister."

"Why, aren't you just a bundle of sunshine," Jace pointed out, his words dripped with sarcasm. "And you also _can't _fully be with a fictional character. So I guess we're in the same boat."

"I _guess_ we are," Clary said as she leaned into his arms. "So I'm stuck with you, then?"

"Yeah," Jace deadpanned. "I guess you are. But you love me."

Taking a single look at the cheeky grin on his face, she smiled as her arms slid around his neck. "I do. I do love you. Don't ever forget that."

"How can I? You're pretty memorable," Jace remarked before pressing his lips against hers. She kissed back, pulling him closer and running her fingers through his golden hair.

Suddenly, an ear-piercing scream made Clary jump in his arms. Jace soothed her quickly before helping her up.

"What's the hell is going on?" Jace growled as he pulled his stele out the pocket of his jeans and racing towards the source of the scream — the hall. He threw a glance at Clary. Their eyes were locked together — green against gold. A message had been transmitted: _Be careful. And if it's another one of Isabelle's kitchen disasters, just scream and run back to the room._

_Clary_ ran after Jace, gripping onto her worn-out copy of _The Fault in Our Stars_. She knew that the scream belonged to Isabelle, and Isabelle _hardly _screamed, so she presumed that it was another one of Isabelle's culinary felony.

Twisting around the various hallways and practically flying down the flights of stairs, Jace and Clary crossed the threshold and entered the hall of the Institute where they saw Isabelle wielding her deadly golden whip like a vice, aiming it at a silver-haired man. The man donned Mundane clothes which consisted of a white T-shirt, a trench coat and a pair of jeans. His eyes, as dark as oblivion, gleamed with hatred. It was Sebastian. As soon as he caught sight of Clary, his lips curled into a malicious sneer.

"Clarissa." Sebastian stalked towards her, arms spread. "How _pleasant _to see you."

Jace took a defensive stance in front of Clary, glowing seraph blades in hand. He was tense, just like the girl behind him, velvet red hair whipped against her forehead, making her green eyes seem illuminated. "You have no business here, Sebastian. Leave."

Sebastian threw his head back, and cackled nefariously. He sneered. "No business, you say?" He took a step forward, towards Jace, but his eyes remained focused on Clary. "My sister is here, is she not? And I'm sure that she _is _my business."

"I am of no concern to you," Clary said, her voice laced with venom.

Black eyes, void of emotion or a single shred of humanity, Sebastian snarled. "Unfortunately for you, dear, Clarissa, you _are_ my business and you _will_ come with me, whether it is of your own volition or not."

The Lightwoods present — Isabelle and Alec — gripped their weapons, a gleaming whip and a sword, respectively, with a death grip, bracing themselves for Sebastian's impending attack. Both siblings knew that the platinum blonde-haired man was more _demon_ than _human — _the black in his eyes matched the sense of death of the rotting corpse and his eyes _alone_ were enough evidence that he was a devil's spawn.

"You aren't taking Clary." Jace's hands shook with anger, amber eyes blazing, like molten gold. Behind him, Clary abandoned her book on the floor, her hands now armed with a dagger. She gripped the hilt tightly, trying to mask the fear in her eyes.

Sebastian's expression darkened. "That's not your choice, Shadowhunter. In fact, Clary doesn't have a choice. She has to come with me." Seeing the New York Institute Shadowhunters's eyes harden, he added with mock glee,"But don't you Nephilim fret. She will be returned to you, after we... _fix her_."

"Tyrant!" Jace shouted. "You can't take her, much less _fix_ her. We won't allow that so get _that_ message through that thick skull of yours!"

Isabelle cracked her whip, launching it at Sebastian. The whip cackled in the air, but as soon as it was of his reach, Sebastian enclosed his fingers around the sharp metal, uncaring to the blood that dripped from his hand to the floor. He smirked and pulled at the whip, throwing Isabelle off balance and sent her flying. She was in the air for an instant, the she slammed into the wall before crashing to the ground with a resounding _thud_. She stayed on the ground, eyes rolled to the back of her head.

"Izzy!" Alec was outraged. How dare he, Sebastian, enter his home, uninvited, threaten his family and then violently drive his sister off the edge of unconsciousness. _How dare he!_ With a murderous battle cry, he launched himself at the devil's spawn, ready to beat him to a bloody pulp. But his plan, unfortunately, backfired. Sebastian's hands rested on his shoulders momentarily, the with a beastly surge of strength, he threw the raven-haired boy across the room. When Alec's body collided with the hard surface of the wall, he cursed as he felt his vision darken, black spots dancing in front of his eyes. He tried but in vain to stand up and fight but his head lolled to the side and he blacked out.

Jace took a defensive stance, keeping an eye on Clary and another on Sebastian. He was determined to protect her no matter what, even if it cost his life. He gripped the seraph blades and murmured their respective names, then they illuminated a soft glow. He eyed Sebastian with great caution.

_Clary's life and sanity is counting on you,_ he thought, _don't fuck this up._

Sebastian scowled at Jace and decided to initiate the fight. He charged straight ahead, black eyes gleamed with wild force and thirst for battle. Jace steped aside and thrust his blade at Sebastian's side, hoping to wound him. The blow _did_ hurt him, just enough to draw some blood and in his case, black blood — _demon's ichor_.

"Run, Clary, run! Get out of the Institute!" Jace urged Clary. Her green eyes flashed. She looked like she has something to say, like she was about to put forward a coherent argument in her favour of staying and fighting with him but upon seeing Jace's solomn and grave expression, she decided against it. She looked her gaze with his — even though it was for an instant, a message was transmitted: _Be careful. I love you. I'll find you._

Clary spun on her heel and ran towards the grand Renaissance doors, only to feel the hilt of a seraph blade collide with the back of her head. She crumpled to her knees and collapsed on the floor. The last thing she heard was Jace's despaired yells and Sebastian's evil laughter.

To proclaim that Jace was furious would be a major understatement. In fact, he was _livid_. As he watched Clary fall to her knees and Sebastian throw a stolen seraph blade onto the floor, he only saw red. He was worried about Clary and he loathed himself.

_How could you be so careless? You let that monster harm Clary. _

Jace tried to move but he stood rooted on the spot. Sebastian carried Clary bridal style and shot one last smirk at him before disappearing into thin air.

_No. No. No._

_This was not happening._

Jace couldn't believe he'd let Sebastian take Clary. As soon as Sebastian left the Institute, Jace snapped out of his paralysis. He wanted to act on instinct — to find Clary and hunt down Sebastian. But he decided against it as it would be impulsive and he had no idea where they were. He would need help tracking down their whereabouts. He spared a thought for his parabatai and his foster sister, who were both injured and unconscious. He sighed.

Something gleamed in the light and caught Jace's eye. He stalked towards it and gingerly picked it up. It was Clary's battered copy of _The Fault in Our Stars_. Clary had dropped it in a hurry to get her weapons so the book had been lying flat down on the ground. He read the first line of the page and it made his heart clench.

_Love is keeping the promise anyway._

He loved her.

_I love you. I'll find you._

He promised he would find and rescue her. And that was a promise he intended to keep.

**End Note:**

**SO? SO? SO?**

**Pretty okay for an amature like me haha.**

**Okay I know I suck. **

**I'll update soon, so rate and review! I want to know what you think!**

**-Vivien**

**xoxo**


	2. Chapter 1: Silent Days

**Author's note & Disclaimer**

**Hello:)**

**So the prologue was up - it took me 2 days to write it, in which during both days the writing sessions spanned from 2AM TO 4am. I got 10 follows, 4 favourites and 1 review for THAT prologue written by a cranky, potential-virago? Wow.**

**Anyways, now on to the heartbreaking part: I do not own the Mortal Instruments. It belongs to Cassie Clare. Damn it. But ****_whatever._**

**_Goodkarmallama._**

**On with the story!**

**P. S. this chapter was inspired by the first scene of the sequel to the ****_Phantom of the Opera_****, ****_Love Never Dies_****. And before I start ranting about how Eric's love for Christine was still unrequited, at least he has Gustave. ON WITH THE STORY(once again haha).**

**Chapter 1: Silent Days**

Jace awoke slowly and regretfully.

He shifted slightly in his bed. The pillows, the duvet — they all held _her_ scent.

Clary. _His_ Clary.

Lost and gone.

His Clary was _lost and gone_.

He glared at the oriental carpet of his room. The soft glow of the moon filtered through the windows and held a soft illumination on the Renaissance furniture. He closed his eyes and tried but in vain to purge the gruesome images of the nightmare he had.

_She was chained to a dirty brick wall in a seluded room. Her clothes had been shredded to pathetic rags but her clothes didn't matter. She was still beautiful. Her hair had grown longer and had enhanced in the colour of red and her eyes were still the same jeweled emeralds but this time, they no longer sparkled with mirth and love. Her eyes shone with tears and misery._

_As Jace watched in horror as scars began to form on her body — carved by an invisible blade. Cuts materialized in small jagged lines but they slowly evolved into long scars, blood dripping from them. _

_More injury was inflicted on her petite frame. Shallow cuts became deep scars, adorning her forearms. Bruises started to form on her skin, their purplish hue clashed with the fine porcelain that was her skin. Pale like an angel, but now stained with blood._

_She writhed and thrashed but not once did she scream. Though it was obvious that she was in deep pain — in fact, excruciating pain — she never showed signs of weakness. _

_Clary! Jace tried to call out to her but his voice failed him. He struggled against his invisible bonds that were securing him in place, disabling his movement. Jace saw past the misery and despair in her eyes. He saw determination, but it was hidden — brought down by the heavy shackles of pain._

_More scars began to decorate her body, more blood was spilled. The blood looked like droplets of crystalized rubies. She still refused to scream. She still resisted the torment._

_"Well, well," said a dark voice. "Dear Clarissa still has an iron will, despite the new scars, I suppose." The voice made Jace's blood boil with rage. It was Sebastian._

_Sebastian stepped out of the shadows and stalked towards Clary, his lips curling into a lonely smirk. Another scar formed just above her ankle. Clary still resisted the urge to let out a scream, much less a whimper. She refused to give him the satisfaction. Her lips twisted into a lonely grimace._

_"How long can you last?" Sebastian questioned. He slipped a hand around Clary's neck and squeezed. Her breath hitched but she did not utter a single word._

_You bastard! Jace tried to shout but no words broke the silence. He attempted to stab Sebastian with his sword but he could not move. He was in the same paralysis as the time Sebastian abducted Clary. He failed her once, he could not afford to fail her a second time. But he couldn't move, no matter how hard he tried. He was forced to watch helplessly at Clary under the demon's spawn mercy._

_Sebastian let go of Clary's neck and conjured up a stele. But it was no ordinary stele. The stele had been inscripted with scenes of death and it was of midnight black — like a bottomless pit, no emotion, no survival, it was just like Sebastian's eyes. Sebastian grabbed Clary's forearm and started to carve something. It was not a rune but a simple word: Angeli_

_This time, Clary screamed. There was so much emotion packed into that scream that tears unconsciously fell from her eyes — fear, anguish, despair, misery. Jace flinched and at that moment, he was sure that he was capable of killing._

_Sebastian grinned as he relished in his sister's heart-wrenching cries. Throwing a smirk at Jace, the image grew hazy and Jace was sucked back into reality._

Jace blinked, golden eyes blazing with hatred. He was outraged at the scene he had just seen. It had been recurring for a while now. Since the day Clary had been abducted, Jace's dreams had been plagued by the same nightmare — Clary in chains, invisible blades cutting her, Sebastian etching that word on her forearm.

_Angeli._ Jace knew it was the Latin word for 'angel'. It made sense, though. Clary was no ordinary Shadowhunter. She had more angel blood than the average Shadowhunter but there _had _to be something more than that...

Shaking his head, Jace forced himself to think straight.

_Clary's gone. She's at the mercy of her psychotic brother. She's gone. She's in pain._

He sighed. His legs were tangled in the duvet, his hair swept back — the result of his hand constantly running through it in frustration. He had to find her. The nightmares of her in pain... _he _was tormented. _Her_ pain was_ his_ pain. Sometimes in darkness, before his sleep was hijacked by the nightmares, he would dream of her — lying next to him. But he would awake, holding nothing but cold night air.

He clenched his fists and lay back down in the bed.

_You can't search for Clary with your full potential if you're tired._

With that, he forced himself to abandon thought and submit to sleep, the rest of his night plagued with more nightmares.

"Any new leads?"

That question infuriated Jace to no end, especially the usual answer, '_no_'.

"No."

_There it is_, Jace thought sarcastically. _The bane of our hope._

The resounding sigh of defeat was let out not only by the Shadowhunters that lived in the New York Institute, but also Clary's vampire best friend, Simon, and Magnus Bane, the _High Warlock of Brooklyn_.

"We're..." Jace struggled to place his words. "We're wasting time. There's still some daylight outside. We can still search for her."

He staggered towards the threshold, but was swiftly blocked by Isabelle.

"Jace," her voice was soft and laced with sympathy,"I know you're hurting —"

"_Me? Hurting_?" Jace demanded. "_She's _the one hurting! She's at Sebastian's mercy! By the Angel, the nightmares I have of him torturing her... They're all filled with blood and her screams!"

Isabelle's face softened at his words but that was only for an instant. Her expression morphed into a mélange of sadness and worry. "I know, Jace. She's in pain. But she's _Clary_. She won't go down without putting up a fight."

Simon cleared his throat behind them. "She's right, Herondale. I've known Clary almost all my life. She may look fragile, but, God, she has an iron will. She can pull through. And we _will_ find her."

Jace's anxiety turned to anger. "Pull through?" He was seething now. "She can and will pull through! She is in pain now and she doesn't deserve any of that!"

Alec put a hand on Jace's shoulder and squeezed lightly. "Jace... Please. Clary and I may not have been the best of friends, but _I _worry about her, too. I've come to care for her as the younger sister that never tried to poison me with her awful cooking that I never had."

"Hey!" Isabelle protested. "My cooking isn't _that_ bad." Even Jace managed a small smile.

Magnus nodded. "Alexander's right. As horrible you egotistical, duck-fearing Herondale's are, you _are _blessed with brave and courageous soulmates. Clarissa is strong, as she is selfless. She wouldn't want you losing sleep over her, would she? Plus, if you keeping frowning, you'd get wrinkly and have less good looks to boast about, eh?"

Jace let out a laugh, but it sounded forced, even to him. "Well, then. I guess we would continue the search tomorrow. It's dark outside already," he remarked, taking notice of the absent orange rays that streaked the now raven sky. His friends had already convinced him to rest for the day.

"I think it's time for dinner," Isabelle said with forced glee, trying to disperse the tension. With that, she stretched her legs and stretched her arms. When she caught sight of the look of sheer horror her fellow Shadowhunters, warlock and vampire's face, she rolled her eyes. "I'm not cooking, we're getting take-out."

"Or I could conjure up some food," Magnus suggested. "We're all starving and I don't think we can wait for the Mundanes to deliver out food." The group silently agreed and followed Magnus to the dining room.

"You coming?" Isabelle asked as she strode past Jace.

"In a minute," he promised. "I... I just need some time to clear my head. I'll be in soon. Start without me."

She nodded and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Clary's my best friend. Hell, she's practically my _sister_. You're not the only one worried about her." She sucked in a sharp breath before continuing,"She's strong. She'd get through this, and we _will_ find her."

Jace stared at Isabelle for a moment, finding solace in her deep blue eyes. She understood. But she could only claim to comprehend a fraction of the pain he was relishing.

"Thanks, Izzy," he finally said. She flashed him a grin before taking long strides to the dining room, where Alec, Magnus and Simon were waiting.

Seeing Isabelle's retreating figure disappear, Jace let out a sigh. He was telling the truth. He _had_ to clear his thoughts. His feet, although sore and in need of rest, wondered aimlessly in the Institute, until he reached the destination that was unknown to his mind — the roof garden.

Flowers bloomed and the crystal clear water of springs cascaded though the air, providing a cool refreshing wave. The scene brought back memories that he cherished greatly. Memories from before things had gotten complicated.

It was true. Jace had been very stressed ever since _she _was taken. He had been living a mere façade of life, not really living, and nowhere close to death. He settled down near one of the rose bushes, plucking a single red rose and smoothing out its velvet petals.

_My Clary, my dear Clary._

He traced his fingers over the thorns, reminiscing the precious time he had with her.

_Lost and gone._

Weeks had flown since her abduction. And with every day that passed, Jace died a little more. Evening had passed and night stole into the garden through the windows, pacing the floor. He found comfort in the stars that shone in the sky, as they twinkled like the spark that danced in her emerald eyes. Without her, he felt no more than half-way real.

He yearned for her touch.

Her voice teased at his ear.

_Why're you moping about, Jace? Seen another duck?_

He turned eagerly towards her melodic voice, but saw nothing except more flowers. His face fell, gold eyes slowly losing their mirth.

_God, Clary, where are you?_

The sound of the crunching of twigs jolted Jace out of his daydream.

"What do you want, bloodsucker?" Jace asked harshly, seeing that it was only Simon.

Simon raised his hands in a mock surrender. "Whoa there, Herondale. What got your panties in a twist?" Jace didn't reply but scowled in response.

Simon sat down next to Jace and crossed his legs. He looked over at the blonde boy, whose hair was discheveled and his eyes distant, _empty_. "I know you're in ruins, Jace. She was — no — _is_ the best friend I will ever have for the rest of my eternal life. I want her back as much as you do"

"Do you know about love, Simon?" Jace asked suddenly.

The vampire shrugged. "Sure, I guess."

"Did you ever had love ripped away from you? Like it's in your grasp then all of a sudden, it's being yanked away, further and further, and you see no way of getting it back?"

Simon opened his mouth to answer but Jace interrupted. "Love, as in, _true love_. Not sibling love, not infatuation." Simon closed his mouth.

After a moment of pondering, Simon said,"I do know true love, but not the _lost_ of it. Tell me, Jace, or I'll stuff a duck under your pillow."

Jace shot him a look as if to say, _you wouldn't dare_.

"Try me," Simon replied.

Jace sighed as if he was comtemplating whether or not to stab Simon with one of his many seraph blades or simply give in. Fortunately for Simon, Jace chose the latter. "There's this feeling that overwhelms your body when you know you've found the person you'd be in love with for the rest of your life. This, ecstasy pumps through your veins and a rush flows through your brain, and it makes you feel invincible. Like you were on top of the world, that is. Until you fell down, face first into the concrete. That's when you know you've lost her."

Simon nodded. For the first time, he was made aware of Jace's worry and anxiety. Jace's hair was tossled and messy and his eyes no longer gleamed with arrogance. The air he once carried that had been heaving confidence, was now tied down by the shackles of weariness. Simon often heard Isabelle complain about how stressed Jace had gotten, but Simon thought that she was just over-reacting but now, he had witnessed with his own eyes the torment that Clary's kidnapping had inflicted on Jace's physical well-being. Isabelle had spoken the truth.

"You know," Simon smiled,"as the Spanish say, _besar al cocinero_. It's kind of like _hakuna matata _from the Lion King. It means no more worries for the rest of your days."

Jace stared at him as if he was insane. "Simon, I have no idea what the _Lion King_ is but I'm guessing it's something lame and mundane. And you said '_kiss the cook'_, I think you meant to say '_no más preocupaciones por siempre_'. Thanks, I guess. But once we find her, there will be no more troubles."

"Oh." That was all Simon could say. He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. "No problem."

"I was meaning to ask you," Jace said, fixating his golden orbs on the vampire. "Why are you here?"

"Well, you've been here for about an hour now so Izzy asked, well... _Ordered_ me to 'get your golden butt' down to the dining room." Simon shrugged. "Her words, not mine."

Jace managed a smirk and followed Simon back downstairs.

Although he didn't find Clary today, he knew that he would find her _eventually._ It was a silent day, where he knew his soul could neither be alive nor whole without her. _She _was the last remaining piece of the puzzle that was his happiness. Without her... it just didn't feel_ right_.

The moments would creep and time would run dry, and he died a little more every day while she remained in Sebastian's captivity. Her voice was absent, the days were silent.

**End note:**

**DUN DUN DUN.**

**How about that, eh? **

**I think it's okay.**

**I love John Green, what about you? 'Cause ****_Looking For Alaska_**** is divine!**

**"I've done some calculations and I am able to determine that you are full of shit." Ha, it still cracks me up.**

**Follow me on twitter VivienTheWanted and on Instagram unorthodoxfadarel**

_**Review, favourite, and follow!**_

_**xoxo**_


End file.
